If you have ever had a broken heart....

I wrote this in high school after having my heart shattered into a million pieces and I just found it. I enjoyed reading it again and I think it has alot of truth to it...

Don’t go looking so hard for the right guy that you miss the one you need in that search. The kind of guy you should be looking for is the one that is genuine and sincere not fake and stupid. Don’t let looks deceive you; honestly who needs a hot guy when their personality is really all that matters. I’ve been wondering why I always take a guy back; after all they‘ve actually put me through and I think it was just cause I needed someone to fall back on. I still to this day don’t know what I ever do wrong that makes guys stop liking me but I always get hurt and run back to my old guys. There is no purpose in doing this unless you really love the person. Maybe you won’t realize how much you love a person until you have to let go. . A girl and a guy can just be friends, but at one point or another they fall for each other… Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever. Never give up if you still want to try. Never wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Never settle for the answer if you still want to know. Never say you don’t like him if you can’t let him go. Love isn’t who you see yourself with; it’s who you can’t see yourself without. I’m not supposed to love you. I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to live my life, wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do. I’m sorry I just can’t help myself; I fell in love with you. If the only possible way we can be together is in my dreams… then I will sleep forever

I'm Jumping Baby!

I was talking to a friend about love and everything being so complicated in life. He said "I wonder what would be worse? not having you at all...or enjoying you for a while and then losing you." That really hit me hard. I think sometimes in life we are scared to be ourselves or to let other people in because we are scared of getting hurt. We have been hurt in the past and that has shaken our hearts, our trust, our everything. But I think with love or anything else in life we need to take risks. We are not going to get anywhere if we don't. And yes, sometimes we may fail and sink. Or sometimes we succeed. You never know unless you take that step. I would hate to look back on my life and say "I wish" or "I could've." I want to jump, hands in the air screaming and never look back. I hate getting hurt but I don't want to lose out on something truely amazing because I am scared that I will get hurt. So baby, this is me saying, I'm jumping!

She Will Be Loved

I was playing around on itunes when I found this song that I have absolutely loved since I first heard it by Maroon 5 but now it was remade by Runner Runner. This song will always have a very special place in my heart because as ironic as it is, but I have had multiple ex boyfriends dedicate this song to me saying that it described me perfectly when I was in high school. I found it funny that the lines "Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself" have always been the way people described me. I always had some guy that wanted to save me and wanted to spend every day trying to make me happy and I always pushed them away. I think that it is sad that we never see what is good for us until it is gone. I feel like I am now able to rely on myself and I know that I will be loved. I don't need anyone to catch me when I fall. But it's always nice to go back and think about life when I was younger and see the similarities and differences.

Anyways, enjoy the lyrics of one of my all time favorie songs:

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Crazy Life

Man my life has changed so much in the last couple of months...marriage, school, work. My life was so crazy I didn't even have time to sit down and relax. I guess at the time quitting my job was an impulse. Something I have been wanting to do for a really long time but just never had a real reason to do it. Now I have all the time in the world and it feels great. It feels great to sleep in as late as I want and to do anything I want for the day. I can relax and I am happier than I have been in years. I cannot remember the last time I took time for myself. It feels really good. And yes, I have no idea what I am going to do or where I am going but it feels so good to just take time for me. I couldn't have gotten through all this without great friends and I am so thankful for them. I am so grateful to be alive and hopefully I can be me again real soon!

Just the Way You are

I heard this song on the radio the other day and it made me cry. I have always wanted a guy to feel this way about me. It's absolutely beautiful!

Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The Truth

I heard Kris Allen's new song "The Truth" on the radio on my way to work this morning and I fell in love with it. It's a really great song and I highly recommend downloading it.

The Truth

Lying next to you
Wishing I could disappear
Let you fall asleep
And vanish out into thin air

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth

I still keep your photographs
I remember how we used to laugh
I can keep on losing sleep
If you're okay with being torn in half

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth

Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning
And let the rain come in
Stop pretending that it's not ending
And let the end begin, oh yeah...

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now, yeah
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth
It's easier than telling the truth

Hot or Not

So the other day at work, my employees and I were all going through our phones showing old pictures of ourselves that we thought looked good (I really have no idea why we were doing this besides the fact we were bored) Anyways, I really didn't have many pictures of myself on my phone but I found one from like 3 years ago. (see above lol) So I showed it to my employees and one of them was like "Man you WERE so hot. I would have dated you back then." I was like "WAS???!!!" Anyways, so then I went home and tried to have my husband console me and he told me "Honey you're not hot anymore, you are just pretty." WHAT???!!!!! Double burn lol

She's So High

Well today I got off work early and decided to go for a run (which actually turned into a limping walk because I once again messed up my leg.) Anyways, it was such a beautiful day and on campus it was mostly dead because of the "holiday" so I just got to walk and soak in all of my thoughts. And then...my favorite song came on! I couldn't help but smile as I listened to the lyrics. I absolutely love the chorus though and I love how it builds up to it! I am so sure that anyone watching me on campus was laughing but I couldn't not dance and twirl around and sing out loud..."she's so high, high above me, she's so lovely. She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Ark, or Aphrodite." I feel so free when I listen to this song and it makes me so happy! I have decided to make this my feel good song...so anytime I am having a bad day I will listen to this song and I hope it will make me feel happy again!

Headbands

So I wore a headband for the first time in like ever because I woke up like 30 minutes before I was supposed to be at work and was running super late. So I just wore my hair curly and pulled it up into a messy bun with a cutesy headband with it. I thought I looked like a little girl and felt super self conscious but I actually got more compliments than I can ever remember! So I am going to start wearing headbands more! Guess you can't write something off until you try it!

Soundtrack in My Head

So here is the soundtrack that is running through my head right now! All great songs so I would recommend you listen to them!
1. Never Say Never by Justin Bieber and featuring Jaden Smith
2. Here With Me by Michelle Branch
3. I Believed by Melissa
4. Bleed by Hot Chelle Rae
5. (There's Gotta Be) More to Life by Stacie Orrico
6. He Don't Love You Like I Do by Daniel Bedingfield
7. Never Say Never by The Fray
8. Somebody to Love by Leighton Meester
9. Somebody to Love by Justin Bieber
10. Home by The Goo Goo Dolls
11. She is Love by Parachute
12. She's So High by Tal Bachman
13. Unbelievable (Ann Marie) by Josh Gracin
14. Stolen by Dashboard Confessional
15. Outta Here by Esmee Denters
16. Airplanes by B.O.B and Hayley Williams
17. Pocketfull of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield
18. Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
19. I'll be by Edwin McCain
20. Diary by Tino Coury

Sorry I know this is a long list by all these songs are just playing through my mind. They make me feel alot better after my hellish week so far!

The Pain of Good Bye

Sometimes we go about our lives thinking that things will never change and that life will go exactly as planned. We never think that we are going to have to say good bye. Life is great until you have to end a part of you that means so much to you. I never thought I'd say never...I always thought I'd fight till forever. And yet now I really think never is the reality. I know I have made mistakes and that this is all my fault but it does not make it any easier. It is killing me inside, I wish I knew why? I always thought things would be fine...I never thought I'd have to say good bye and live a life without you. But you are the one that chose to walk away, don't need to say sorry because what is done is done and now I will move on. I won't look back and I won't say it's ok. I will cry this out and be fine. I feel as though I am standing still in a crowd of people swirling past me, the world passing by and I cannot move. Everything is a blur. How did I get here? Where am I going? Who am I? I don't even know...I don't know. Who is going to save me?

Just please don't let me go...

Passion

I absolutely am in love with this picture! I wish I could take pictures with such passion in the them. It is absolutely incredible! I guess I love this picture so much because it seems as though the two have such a passion for each other. I think we all could come up with a story for the picture and sometimes that makes looking at pictures so fun. My story for this picture is that the two had to go away from each other but just couldn't stand going without one last kiss. I remember the days when you just can't get enough of the one you love. What ever happened to that passion? What ever happened to never having enough of that other person? What happened to talking all day and all night and still having so much more to talk about? What happened to wanting to spend time together? And being so in love that you can't talk about anything else? Is that love or infactuation? Whatever it is...I don't care. I just want more of it. I want to feel like nothing else matters in the world. Is that too much to ask for?

Whatever happens...happens

So I tend to be someone that always is planning my life out...to the exact minute of everyday. If I don't, I feel like my whole world will fall apart. It can be quite annoying to be honest. Why do I do this? I really have no idea. I guess I started because I had so much to do that if I didn't, I wouldn't get anything done. Now I just think it's habit. But in addition, I tend to live in the past as well. I beat myself up for the mistakes I made years ago. Why do I do that? I think I just keep thinking of myself as the high school self instead of the me that I am now. It is actually funny because in high school, I thought I was fat and stuff but now I look back and think that I really wish I could look that good again. BUT I know I need to stop thinking about the past to have a better future. I need to stop thinking about the future so much to have a better present. Most importantly, I need to follow my heart instead of just thinking with my head. I want to be happy and I need to follow what I feel more instead of analyzing every thing I do. So from now on I am going to go with whatever happens...happens

Cherish the Moment

Driving with the windows down, singing at the top of my lungs, a Lady Gaga song = pure bliss! We really should stop and take in the little moments that make us so happy. I realized today that I really just don't take the time to cherish the moments anymore. I need more days when I sing so loud that the people in the cars next to me look and I don't care! I need more times when I can run with the breeze blowing my hair and just feel like all my problems are miles away! I need to dance as though no one is watching and yeah maybe I'll make up some funny dance moves but WHO CARES??!!! I am just doing it for me! I need more days where I am relaxed and just am not trying to be perfect for anyone else but me! I need to work on being me again...that's the goal!

One Word

Isn't it funny how one word...one word can change the mood...it can change how you feel about someone or something. Love...Hate...Taken...Scared...Done...Happy...Sad...Bad...Good and on and on and on. I know that one word can change my mood. It is sad that we let just one word affect us so. It can turn us on or off something and that thing could be wonderful if we could just look past that one word...that one word that is holding us back. If we are scared of something we need to look past that to the future and to what we could have if we aren't scared and are brave instead. We shouldn't let one word change how we feel about someone or something. Look for the bright side of everything and don't give up! Please don't ever give up! Love who you want to love! Be happy about everything! Don't be scared, be brave! Don't hate! Oh and LOVE!!!!!!!

Motivation

I learn so much by just talking to people. I feel like thats all I say on this but I was talking to a friend the other day about motivation and why we are motivated or unmotivated. I think sometimes it could be because we have a passion for something. Or it could be because that is the only way we can figure out how to get through something. Why do we really care about anything? What pushes us through everything? I think for me I push myself hard when I have a passion for something. I work the hardest that I possibly can to get myself where I want to be and to live to my fullest and to just be myself. But on the other hand, with school I just see the end SO close and just to be done so I am working so hard to just finish. I am so inspired by people that work so hard to get some where great! I hope that people work the hardest they can to get them to a place where they are the happiest!

Nakita!

I just need to talk a moment to say how much I love one my best friend's Nakita! She is absolutely the strongest, most creative, funny, loyal friend I could ever ask for! She is absolutely inspiring to me and I love her lots! I can't wait to hang out with her this week!

After talking to a dear friend of mine, I sit here pondering about love. What is it about love that makes you so giddy you can't focus on anything and when you see that special person you get butterflies in your stomach? When Brad and I were on our first date I was so nervous, I knocked over my water glass, tripped, couldn't stop shaking and on top of it all...couldn't stop talking about myself. Talk about bad date!!!! But in the end, Brad decided to love me and give me his heart. When we first started dating I couldn't stop talking about him and staring at him and wanting to be with him ALL THE TIME! But as time goes on, you learn to be your own person within a relationship. I wonder though how can something like love make you feel so wonderful but at the same time make you feel like your heart is literally being ripped from your very body. It's a very strange thing if you think about it. My friend was telling me how he was so in love with someone but she didn't even know it but yet he would do anything for her. He feels pain every day when he thinks about her and how he cannot be with her. And an even bigger question...can you love one person but be in love with another? I believe so. When you give your heart to someone, you are giving them a piece of you. And they will always mean something to you. Back to the previous question, I do think that you can love someone but be in love with someone. I mean you can love your friend but be in love with your boyfriend. Or you can love an ex but be in love with your partner. I think that even when you are no longer with someone, you will always still love them because they were a part of your life. For some the love will fade and for others it will burn passionately for years (like in the notebook!). When you find someone else, will the love and passion go to them or will you hold it all in because of your past love. I ponder this all for my friend as I tried to give him advice tonight. I feel as though sometimes I can be an eternal optimist for love. I do believe in true love but also believe that not just one person can give you that love. It makes me think of that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte says they only get 2 true loves. Who made that up? And if that is so, guess I am all out of chances so Brad better never leave me hanging :)

I was thinking today about relationships and I guess some relationships fathom me. Granted, Brad and I have not always been perfect and have gone through a lot but in the end I always knew we loved each other and if it was meant to be it would be meant to be. I cannot understand why people stay in unhappy relationships. Is it because of the kids? Is it because they are scared to be alone? Is it because they are too confortable? Is it a combination of a few things? I think it could be. I think sometimes people get so comfortable in the life that they have that they cannot see anything different. But should we sacrifice our happiness and potential happiness for something that is not working. I have taken several relationship classes and I am far from being an expert, however, I think that we are in a bad place when we stop caring about our happiness. We only have one life and we need to live it to it's fullest. I am not saying that we should not work at our relationships. However, if it's not working and you have tried and tried, why not try something new? Try to find yourself. I know that when I finally took the time to find out who I was and all my quirky (and at times annoying) personality traits, Brad and I started doing really well. I finally grew up and am happy with myself. I also think alot of people rush into marriage before fully being ready or mature as a person. I will admit I was someone who thought that you should get married young. But in the end, I am happy Brad and I have waited because we are so much more happy and so much more mature. So in the end, after all my rambling, I just want to say that we should be happy. But we should make ourselves happy. No one can make you as happy as you can make yourself and in the end your happiness is what will get you through all the tough things in this life.